"It's not my fault" - Blaming others. Personal Responsibility.

What do these following incidents have in common?


1. My neighbour leaving candles burning in a candlestick on the antique dining room table and not going back in the room until the next day. Miraculously, only the table was severely damaged. 


2. A man chasing his dog across the ice on a pond and falling in. He drowned.


3. A friend reversing into a tree, causing damage to their new car and yelling at the people inside the car.


4. Me, many years ago, allowing my 10 year old son to swim across the River Thames with his older sister and friend, after a lovely picnic lunch.


5. A woman pouring petrol from one container to another, in her kitchen, near the oven, which was reported as being switched on.


6. A 21 year old student sending eight racist messages on Twitter, when he was drunk. He's now in prison for 56 days. 


You......... well, what have you done that was, in hindsight, very silly?  Did you take the blame or blame someone else for your actions?


When we have done something silly, without thinking our actions through, it is very easy to blame someone or something else. It is not always easy to to accept personal responsibility, especially if we've done something that, in the cold light of day, was just plain stupid.


Those of you reading this in the UK, will probably know what has prompted this blog. The incident at No:5 happened this week, not too far from where I live. Not only has the incident been heavily reported on national TV and newspapers, but locally too. 


I am genuinely sorry for the family and have compassion for the woman, with the terrible injuries she has suffered. The consequenses of her trying to help her daughter, while cooking a meal, will be with her for the rest of her life. Many of us could have made a newspaper story, if our stupid actions had had such awful consequences. 


But I was frustrated to see it reported that the family was blaming the Government and a particular Minister. This is not about party politics. This is about taking personal responsibility. One might as well blame the union that was threatening to strike.


The woman was in the kitchen alone. How is that someone else's fault?


We can all blame others for our own actions. It absolves us of any blame. But we lose control of our lives, if we do. Often, it doesn't make us feel better either. We know the truth.  Maybe there is a legitimate reason to blame others for something that has happened to us. But if we carry on doing that through life, we give control of our lives over to that person, even if they died decades ago. 


I doubt there is a therapist who hasn't heard blame for some action in the present attributed to parents, teachers, friends, siblings, neighbours, partners and colleagues from the past. But couldn't everyone do that? But they don't, do they?


Remember my negative role model?
http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/i-just-want-to-be-happy-how.html


If people continue to blame others for their actions, they are not going to learn by mistakes or become emotionally mature. They have given up their life to someone or something else.


I've covered this subject before in a blog on addiction:
http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/not-my-fault-addicts-excuse.html


There's another emotionally immature type. The person who goes through life thinking everything is their fault. They may have received an adult's blame when they were younger and unfortunately take it into adulthood. These people may as well have have 'Dump your c**p on me' written across their foreheads. They tend to be emotionally vulnerable and therefore attractive to manipulative people. They may be 'people pleasers' and can easily be taken advantage of.


I used to be one of those. Used to be.


Emotional abuse not only happens in close personal relationships, but in school and the workplace too.


I have mentioned before that 'Emotional arousal can cause stupidity.' The emotional brain is separate from the logical brain.  We can become extremely focused and logical when we need to be and there is little room for emotions. For example, studying. We also can be highly emotional aroused and there is little room for logic. For example, making love. Being emotionally balanced is a good state to achieve. (Generally not achieved by medication, but by attention to thoughts and behaviour.)


(In the Coroner's Court in the UK, a Coroner will usually describe suicide as being, "Taking their life while the balance of their mind was disturbed.")


We can become emotionally aroused very quickly. To behave in a less than stupid way, with an eye on the possible consequences of our actions, we can calm down and allow the logical brain to help us out. 


Children with immature brains, find this difficult. It is something  we learn as we grow up, as the brain matures. But we're not perfect. So when we do do something stupid, we need to own up. Embarrassing? Possibly. Honest and mature? Yes.


Remember the student at No: 6? He didn't own up initially and tried to say his phone had been used by someone else. This weekend, a politician has tried to use a similar excuse.


Politicians are the finest example of blaming others. It's probably why the behaviour of a collection of politicians is often likened to that found in an infant school.


©RitaLeaman2012