A new book has been published. ‘Never Kiss in a Canoe: Words of wisdom from the Golden Age of Agony Aunts by Tanith Carey. It is a collection of some of answers given by agony aunts over the last hundred years.
From the distance of years, the letters make for mostly amusing reading, but tinged with sadness. The advice was what was thought best at the time and by people who hoped they were helping others. It’s no different today. So, in decades to come, will today’s problem pages be laughed at? If my own thoughts recorded here ever surface, will people laugh at my opinions?
From Modern Woman, 1929.
Q: Do you believe that petting a child is bad for it?
A: Yes, decidedly I do. a child gets very much attached to Mother (or Nurse) who feeds and baths it. It should be the mother’s aim to prevent the child getting too attached to her and fondling the child too often has the opposite effect.
The child who gets all the fondling is always looking for it in everybody and it is miserable without it.
The adult who is always recounting his ills and looking for sympathy is the outcome of too much cuddling in childhood. That is why psychologists say too much mother love is harmful.
We can find it amusing to read, but there's a serious side to this advice. With over 40 years of experience, children who are 'looking for fondling in others', are doing so because their fundamental need for affection and touch has NOT been met within the close family. Quite the opposite to being met too much.
We can laugh (or cry) at how outdated this advice is. Is it? Last year I attended a family conference with social workers and foster parents. The discussion was of how inappropriate an 8 year old boy's behaviour was with the temporary foster mother. The foster mother, who was of a slim build, reported that the boy wanted to sit on her lap and snuggle into her chest. I was horrified as the discussion continued. I suggested that as the birth mother had a capacious bosom and the boy enjoyed cuddles with his mum, that he was in fact, in his confused state, looking for some comfort from his foster mum. Not that his behaviour meant that he should be put on a sex register. The conversation stopped. The 'professionals' looked at me. It was obvious that no-one had even considered this as a possibility. There was a shuffling of papers and the discussion moved on. I feel that there is something crucially missing from their training.
There is another side to the argument though. Those children who may have had their needs met, but in a more 'unhealthy' way, can have difficulty adjusting emotionally as adults.
It doesn't take too much of a leap of imagination, to see what may happen if these unmet childhood needs are carried into adulthood. I've taken this subject a little further on the website www.yorkhumangivens.co.uk. Click on Chasing Rainbows - Audio/Text 12. Relationships.
The audio/text is not about my thoughts of male and female paeodophiles. For those readers who may be wondering what I might be suggesting, yes, I do think for the majority, the adult problem will be about needs for affection and love either not met or met unhealthily as children. The emotional growth has been stunted as a result, maybe through a level of trauma to the brain. Of course, as in most behaviours, there then is the interesting matter on why some people who have experienced trauma appear 'damaged' for life and some are not. My thoughts on that subject are for another time.
Advice on the treatment of medical and psychological disorders changes over the decades. Treatments that were considered 'the latest cure' are shown later to be highly dangerous and life limiting. It's the way of the world, but it doesn't mean that those who can, shouldn't question the maintream and shout out a little louder than the rest. This is what I'm trying to do in a small way and so are the people in the Human Givens Institute. (www.hgi.org.uk)
So often it's many of the 'intelligensia' that don't like being challenged, especially in the world of psychology. They appear frightened of stepping out of line. When homes and jobs are at risk, it can be understandable. But often it's do with vulnerable egos. For most medical experts, it is a given that they should be aware of the latest developments in their chosen field. Sadly for psychology, it isn't so. The profession is tightly controlled by the pharmacutical companies, as well as using some practices that are well past their sell by date.
©RitaLeaman2009
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