There seem to have been only two topics in the UK news this week. The latest and final Harry Potter film and 'The News of The World' Sunday newspaper closure. A tenuous link comes later.
In the last blog, I wrote about memory matching. The events at 'The News of The World' have matched on several levels. Someone in charge, doing the dirty work of someone higher in the organisation. They stitch their team up, while saving their own skin. Sadly, this happened in the family. The family member was threatened with, "If you go to the newspapers, I will make sure you never work in this profession in this country again." It was all very unpleasant. Needless to say, the person at the top of the pile, who made the threat, has since become the recipient of many worthy awards...and a title. Yes, the activities at News International has matched many memories. Including bullying.
Another match, perhaps a more odd one, came with the picture in the paper of Rebekah Brooks, the CEO of News International. She was wearing a black spotted top and was looking serious. At first glance, my mind quickly went straight to Cruella De Vil from the film, '101 Dalmatians'. So, whether the woman is guilty or not guilty, have I already made a judgement, because what she was wearing matched with a children's story?
I am on Twitter (@alirit). It is at times of a big news story e.g: News International, The General Election or The Royal Wedding, that I enjoy reading a twitter stream. There, too, is evidence of people jumping in with instant thoughts, based on exactly what, I wonder? I found the strongly expressed opposing views amusing. One person remarked that the Prime Minister, David Cameron was "squirming", at the same time that someone else remarked that he was "appearing confident." A news reporter was accused of being extremely right wing in his summation, while another pointed out how left wing the same man was. I have my opinions too, but I'm not saying what they are here. Anyway, I like to wait for facts.
This is one reason why I like looking at whole interviews and try not to be influenced by soundbites. One night, many years ago, I was awake, listening to a long speech by US President Bill Clinton. In the morning, the reporting of the speech, featured one sentence, that badly misrepresented the rest of what he had said. It happens all the time in the media. They cherry pick the most emotive bits and leave out any context.
I have become a bit stricter about context in all manner of things. So many clients present a small, but important detail. I encourage them to put the detail into context and with facts to support it. Emotional arousal causes our thinking to focus narrowly. Sometimes too narrowly to be helpful. We need to look at the bigger picture. A jigsaw picture is made up of many pieces, not just one. We are all guilty of sometimes jumping to conclusions and judgements, without knowing all the facts.
I haven't read all the Harry Potter books. I did read 'The Prisoner of Azkaban'. I read the following:
'Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get to near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory, will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself - souless and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. And the worst that happened to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall of their broom. You have nothing to be ashamed of.'
I knew then that JK Rowling had experienced depression. It it one of the best descriptions of depression that I have ever read. Plus the name she calls the creatures.
It isn't just the word 'depression' that can be put in the place of 'dementors'. Try replacing the word with 'bullies' or 'OCD' (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
I will put my hand up. I now can recognise that when I was 11 and 15, I bullied two girls. No violence or blackmail. Just nasty belittling comments. Why? Don't really know. It was a long time ago and I haven't done it since. I would certainly like to find those two women and apologise.
I have always found bullies to be ultimately unhappy, insecure people, who only feel good about themselves if they have control over someone. They have to chose a weaker person or even a strong person, who has a weakness they can exploit. Reduce their power and the bully can almost visibly shrivel in front of the eyes.
The problem is that bullies can get away with their destructive behaviour for a long time. The climate of fear that surrounds them can be very difficult to break down. It can take time and a great deal of personal strength. That strength may come from a support network. The analogy of the strength and power of a snowflake against that of many snowflakes in a snowball comes to mind. For present day snowballs, I think Facebook and Twitter may be good examples. Social media certainly appears to be playing a role in bringing down tyrants of all types.
When children are being bullied at school, you always read, 'Report it to the teacher.' What happens when it's the teacher is doing the bullying?
My son was 9 or 10. He would tell me about his teacher telling him off, but I never took it too seriously. One day the neighbour called. Her son, in the same class, had told her about the things the teacher had said to my son. She, a teacher herself, felt concerned enough to tell me. My son's father was all for going down the school and speaking to the teacher immediately. I asked him not to. I thought it would be better in the long run, if my son challenged the teacher himself. Not a suggestion that went down well with either of them.
I rehearsed my son through a possible scenario, many times. I told him that we would support him, whatever the outcome. I also told him that as soon as he told us that he'd done it, I would go and see the teacher. He now wasn't alone.
One day, the moment came. The teacher said something. My son, who must have been extremely frightened, stood up in front of the class and and told the teacher that he was a bully and to stop bullying him. He may have even repeated it.
I went into school and had a chat. I remember the teacher telling me that my son was 'different' and illustrating it by saying that he's said he wanted to be Prime Minister. (Thank goodness he dropped that idea.)
The teacher never bullied him again. By tutoring my son, I believe it gave him the tools to deal with other people who have come into his life, some of whom, no doubt, have been of a controlling, if not bullying, nature. I've also suggested that he's aware of how emotionally immature these people are too. It helps when having to understand their behaviour.
I mentioned OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). An anxiety disorder. By helping someone to describe OCD as a separate entity, it often becomes obvious that OCD is not only a bully, but that there is someone or something in the person's life that is extremely controlling. It can help people with OCD begin to learn to deal with it. But it's not easy by any means. OCD can be tenacious and I always think of it having suckers. You remove one or two and another can take hold. The person with OCD, generally needs to remove themselves from the situation at home or wherever the problem lies. Not easy at all. A human bully is probably already belittling and humiliating them. Their self belief is pretty rock bottom. To add what appears as a madness, doesn't help at all. Of all the many emotional health problems, I genuinely loathe OCD. It's a vile condition.
Back to JK Rowling and her Dementors. She writes about Harry Potter learning about a solution. A Protronus. Not easy to use and HP has several attempts to deal with the Dementors. I also believe they return in other books too.We can always be trapped by them.
'A Patronus is a kind of positive force, a projection of the very things that the Dementor feeds upon - hope, happiness, the desire to survive - but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so the Dementors can’t hurt you.'
There will always be Dementors in the world. We have to find our own Patronus and learn to use it. I prefer JK Rowling's solution to Big Pharma's solution any day.
©RitaLeaman2011
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