"I've got an issue." A what? Do you mean a problem?

I have written, more than once, that 'emotional arousal can make you stupid.' This is true, but it doesn't mean that emotional arousal itself is stupid. 

Thank goodness for being able to get aroused. A world without emotions is a damaged one. We just need to learn to have some self control at times. Especially if we're problem solving. We can't think straight when emotionally aroused. 


Passion for a cause comes from being emotionally aroused. If we use that passion in a healthy way, we can help others and ourselves too. I felt that 'passion for a cause' earlier this week. The passion that meant that my life changed in 1998, when I looked around an acute psychiatric unit I was working on and thought, "there's something wrong here, there must be something better than this."

So here I am in 2011, with a passion still burning to challenge certain aspects of the counselling /therapy business. Note the word 'business'.

Two people were having a conversation on a train. I couldn't help but hear it. Someone was managing their bereavement from the suicide of their partner. They had come through some very difficult, dark months and recently seen a bereavement counsellor. I found it interesting that they admitted that they had come a long way in five months, on their own and with the support of friends. This would be a quite natural progression of bereavement/loss.

                

                 STOP                         GET READY               GO 

Shock  Disbelief  Denial  Anger      Acceptance         Move forward

The person said that the counselling meeting had highlighted their "abandonment issues". They showed good insight by recognising that their grief may not all be due to their partner's death, but to "abandonment issues' in childhood. Here's where the previously mentioned emotionally tagged 'memory matches' come into the picture.

The adult feeling 'memory matches' to a childhood experience or several. If we have not emotionally grown up from that childhood experience, then it can hijack us in adult life and often leads to childish behaviour.

All the above, I could develop in to a blog of its own, but I want to focus on the words 'abandonment issues'. From just those two words, I could tell that either the person had had some certain type of counselling or therapy or had read certain self help books. Those words are not used in everyday language. My arousal level shot up, but I contained myself. It was neither the time or place.

What is this word 'issues' that has come into therapy? Where's it come from? It reeks of PC. (Political Correctness). It's also become a label, often worn with pride and certainly used an an excuse for all sorts of unhelpful behaviour.

I've looked up the word 'issues' in dictionaries. It has multiple meanings. An informal meaning in a modern dictionary is: Problem. Emotional disorder.

Okay then, so why can't it be called a 'problem'? People have problems. Problems can be solved. Problems can have solutions. People are natural problem solvers. We can get hold of a problem.  

What do we have with 'issues'? A word with one letter less than tissues and there are far too many of those used in therapy/counselling. A soft, fluffy word, than means very little.

A tangential thought: If our brains work from memory matches, what exactly does walking into a room with a box of tissues on the table suggest?  Remember, "if you pick it, it won't get better." (The  tissues in my practice were in a small packet, kept out of view of clients...and hardly used.)

NB: The person's in laws appeared to had given up bereavement counselling.  They didn't like the way the counsellor wanted to get them to go through their son's death in detail. They were elderly and I imagine have the wisdom of life...and each other.  

I have big problems with that type of counselling, however well intentioned the counsellor is.  Prolonging the agony can be good for business.

I have a feeling that using 'issue' instead of 'problem', may have arisen from the world of positive psychology, a world I heartily support. 'Problem' could be regarded as a 'negative word, so now there is a softer alternative. Why? It's just not necessary.

Back to the person's 'abandonment issues' in childhood. The problem/s they experienced in childhood could be real or perceived. Abandonment is a powerful word, but it has been used in psychology to describe all manner of experiences.  Leaving a child forever, whether intentional or unintentional can be interpreted as cruel. But some of the examples people attach to 'abandonment issues' really do need another description. I don't mean 'separation anxiety' either. Another label adults sometimes use.


Whatever it was, appears to left the person on the train with feelings of not being good enough to be loved. Now their partner has died, the old, childhood feelings surface. A rotten, horrible feeling. A feeling that can eat away at the very soul. 

A feeling that can make some adults search for the missing love for the rest of their lives.

But hold on, how can any adult hope to find a missing feeling from childhood? It's like losing a shoe at the age of seven and looking for it as an adult. It's unlikely to be found and even if it is, it's not ever going to fit again. It's that search that causes so many adults to have emotional health problems...or 'issues'.

It isn't just that missing feeling of love either. It can be a feeling of childhood loss around friendship, attention, security, competence... to name but a few.

Feel the hurt certainly, but be careful about looking for the missing loss as an adult. It will never be found. Not in the same form as it was needed as a child anyway. It could lead to disappointment and anger when expectations are thwarted.

If you have read the blogs, you will know that I call this behaviour Chasing Rainbows. The full description can be found on blog 19.6.11 about addiction. Most people with addiction are looking for a missing feeling from childhood. They keep on looking, they keep getting disappointed. 

I obviously have counselling issues. I better go and find some help.

©RitaLeaman2011