"It's not me, it's you" - self awareness.

A friend came to York to see his daughter settled in at university. We all met in the city centre and I took them to a cafe in one of the wonderful back streets. One of York's many hidden gems.


My heart sunk a little when I saw the waitress. She has worked in the cafe for many years, but her manner can be a little off putting. Her voice is loud and a bit 'in yer face'.  She welcomed us a little too fulsomely and there was no subtly in her manner. I have noticed that the cafe tends to attract tourists, rather than regulars, but the cafe is quirky and the food is great, so worth a visit.


The waitress took the order from my friend's 21 year old daughter and then addressed me to the young woman, as "your mother'. We all laughed. I'm old enough to be the young woman's grandmother and her father is over a decade younger than I am. Not an impossible arrangement, I agree, but way off beam in these circumstances.


It's easy though to make assumptions. As we mature, we attempt to learn to 'engage brain before opening mouth.'  2 + 2 can often make 5. I'm sure we can all think of times we spoke first without thinking and rather wish we hadn't.


Why we can make wrong assumptions is written about in a blog from July:  http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-dont-like-you-why.html


It may be that the waitress cannot help her manner, so I make no judgements. But it does lead me to write about being self aware. 


A man told me that he didn't have any friends. Bold, black and white statements should always be gently challenged. He told me that, for instance, he was a regular at the pub and everyone avoided him. He was unable to think of a reason why they did or at least wasn't expressing it.


One of the resources that helps human beings with problem solving is the ability to be able to observe themselves. It has been called the observing self and acts like a internal CCTV camera. We can imagine ourselves looking at our own behaviour. I am not talking about disassociation here, but think it is probably connected in some way.


Being our own 'fly on the wall' can be uncomfortable at times, but very helpful for reflection and personal understanding. Especially in any sort of relationship problem. People who can recognise that they are acting like, "a spoilt brat", "a little princess", "a five year old", are all using their observing self.


I asked the man to take an imaginary trip to the pub with me. I suggested that as we walk through the doors, we see him sitting at the bar. I suggested that he looks a decent enough bloke and we should go over and join him.


The response was a fierce, "No!"


I asked him why we shouldn't joining him at the bar. He replied that he was an arsehole, who tried to take his mates' girlfriends off them. 


Now there was something tangible to discuss.


If we do not use this personal resource, we may continue to behave in ways that do not produce helpful results, meanwhile blaming others.


Einstein is attributed as giving this explanation of insanity. "To keep doing the same thing and expecting different results."


Or as it is used these days: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.


If you want something to change, start viewing.