" I just want to be happy" - how?

1. On Thursday, I heard a BBC radio presenter, Kirsty Young, defend herself about something she was supposed to have said in another interview. Apparently, she had said that she didn't want her children to be happy.


2. Then I read in Saturday's newspaper, that a professor was suggesting that experiences can provide greater happiness than materialism.


3. This morning, a free book fell out of the Sunday newspaper, "Can you learn to be happier?" by Tal Ben-Shaher.


Okay then, happiness will be the subject of this week's blog.


"I just want to be happy". That statement must be one of the most commonly heard by therapists and doctors. Anti-depressants can be known by a most unfortunate and incorrect label, 'happy pills'. 


'Happy pills'? Not working in the majority of cases are they? The real beneficiaries? Big Pharma.


The way I was taught, was to gently help a person unpack that statement and maybe use 'The Miracle Question'.


1. What would you be doing if you were happy?
Not always a question for specific and useful answers.


2. If you woke up tomorrow morning and a miracle had occurred overnight and you knew you had obtained happiness, how would you know? What would be different? What would you be doing? 


This can provide more helpful answers. Ones that can illustrate   realistic and unrealistic thinking. Realistic and unrealistic expectations and goals. 


"I'll be happy when I've won the lottery."
" Do you do the lottery?"
"No."


I have enjoyed using 'The Miracle Question', as, like a tight flower bud, a person can gradually open up in front of your eyes. Lots of petals. Lots of layers.


Another teaching tool was to look at a person's emotional needs. Were they being met at all or met unhealthily? The answers to these questions could also lead to solving a happiness problem.


They are listed in this blog:
http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-rioting-and-looting.html


1. Back to Kirsty Young. The media leaped on the statement, "I don't want my children to be happy." 


If in doubt about any statements, check out the context. Here's a bit more of what what Kirsty Young actually said. "Life is complicated. I don't want my children to be 'happy'. They'll be bloody lucky if they glimpse it now and again. I want them to be content and have self-worth." 


I happen to agree with her, though self-worth is another concept, that can be double-edged. Here's the link to the longer article:


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/9033222/I-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy-just-to-be-content-and-have-self-worth-says-Kirsty-Young.html




2. So, what about the professor and his experiential happiness? One of those, 'money can't buy happiness' articles. I looked for a link. I found it and it's below. But...it was written in 2009! A typical newspaper (and political) rouse. Repackage something old and make out that it's brand new.


http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090207150518.htm


An interesting exercise to do is to list some happier times. Were they due to material gain or an experience? I'm sure we've all felt happy at attaining something of material worth, but for more deeply satisfying happiness, experiences can last longer in the memory. Though of course, sometimes the wonderful experience has only been attained due to some expenditure of some sort. Money can buy happiness...sometimes.


For simple moments of happiness, I like counting blessings and enjoying simple pleasures, especially the ones provided by nature. I also think that happiness is so often a bittersweet experience. As a woman once said to me, "It's like childbirth. A great deal of happiness, but a whole lot of pain too."


Though like Kirsty Young, I'm not a big supporter of the word 'happy', I prefer contentment. I believe it's a deeper experience.


3. What about the book? Well, I haven't read it in the last three hours (I made a neighbour happy by baking him a cake), but I've had a quick look. The usual ingredients for a 'happy' recipe, but assembled in a different way. A self-help book that could help some people...if they are willing to change something they are doing.


The therapy that is flavour of the month/decade is CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I have been asked what it meant on several occasions. I say that if someone was thinking and behaving in an unhelpful way, then it was a therapy to help that person change their thinking and behaviour to something more helpful. And there's the rub. Ultimately, the person has to do it for themselves. Not easy. People may think they want to change, but aren't willing to do what is necessary. They would prefer someone else to do it or some medicine. The same thing happens with physical illnesses too.


Have I ever had to change the way I thought and behaved to increase my chances of a happier life? Yes. Many times. One experience comes immediately to mind.


Everyone has heard of positive role models and how we could learn from them. Twenty years ago, I chose a negative role model and learnt from her.


I worked in a supermarket in a local town. Most of the shoppers were regulars. One woman was a picture of misery. She had long, lank, blonde hair, her mouth tended towards the downward and she bought her young son shopping with her.  At the checkouts, she would find any chance to mention that her husband had left her. The checkout operator would sympathise.


But this went on for years. Always the same. We called her 'Blondie", though she wasn't as jolly as the better known pop singer.


Years later, she hadn't changed a bit. Her hair remained long and lank. Her mouth now set in a downward position. The conversation always turned to how her husband had left her. He son, was a particularly miserable looking teenager, poor soul. The checkout operators dreaded serving her. 



Then something happened in my life. My marriage finished after twenty-one years.  There was masses of opportunity to be extremely negative and full of anger and angst.


But I made myself keep a picture of 'Blondie' in my head.  Every time, well, almost every time (I am human and it can be hard work), I wanted to rant and rave, I would catch myself and put a picture of 'Blondie' in my head. "Do I want to end up like her?", I would ask myself. After moments of trying to justify why I had every right to rant and rave, I stopped. 


'Blondie' has helped me a great deal over the years. Even twenty years later, I recently was allowing my brain to wonder down angry alley. I thought of her and stopped.


That was CBT and I self-healed. It was better than self-medicating.


©RitaLeaman2012