"No, you can't!" - Boundaries and Routine.

When...not if, I publish a book on emotional growth in 2013, some of the blog topics will become chapters. Today's subject is fundamental to healthy emotional growth and will be included.


I've been waiting for an opportunity to write on the specific subject of boundaries and routine. It was presented to me last week. The Prince's Trust published a report on under-achieving children and mention was made of boundaries and routine. Or rather, lack of them.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16354869


This subject is so near to my heart and having lived through decades of the suggestion in education that boundaries was a dirty word, it is pleasure to see a change of thinking. So much damage has already been done.


I was a teenager in the 1960s. I was given strict boundaries. Too strict maybe? I trained as a nursery nurse in a children's home for the under-fives. Routine and boundaries were vital, otherwise there would have been anarchy.


In the blog on June 22nd 2011, I mention running a playgroup and the problems I had with Social Services, because I had a strict routine.

http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-cant-do-it-frightened-of-failure.html

They would visit unannounced, hoping to find something to give them a reason to close down the group. Instead, they would find a hall of twenty-three two-year-olds with three adults, all thoroughly enjoying themselves. The toddlers thrived with the set routines in their ninety minutes spent in the group. Boundaries for behaviour were set by the adults.

I was told that there was no way I could have all the children sitting down at the same time, singing songs and listening to a story. No? Funny how I managed it for six years, three days a week.

I can never forget a training day I had to attend. We sat at various tables doing colouring or craft work. After a while, we were told to stop what we were doing,  move to other chairs and listen to the lecturer. The point of the exercise was for us to experience our feelings on being told to stop what we were doing, so that we could empathise with the children in our groups being made to stop what they were enjoying doing. I was speechless.

That was in the 1980s and twenty/thirty years later, we are still picking up the the long term consequences of that sort of teaching.   

Adults need to set boundaries and routine for babies and children too young to understand and unable to set them for themselves.

As we mature we learn...or should learn to set them ourselves. But we don't do we?


Common sense and an emotionally-mature mind would suggest that we should not drive fast in a built-up area. Because we are unable to self regulate, we have boundaries set by Government agencies. We push the limit and break the limit. We can experience 
life-changing and expensive consequences by our inability to self regulate.


Common sense and an emotionally-mature mind knows that eating and drinking unhealthily causes problems. Because we are unable to self-regulate, we have boundaries set by Government agencies. We push the limit and break the limit. We can experience 
life-changing and expensive consequences by our inability to self regulate.


I could carry on with money management, internet useage, behaviour in public places and so on.


The Prince's Trust report came out on January 3rd. Many of the UK population were just returning to work after a long holiday over the Christmas and New Year period. While there were some 
post-holiday blues, the majority people felt happy being back to a routine of knowing what day of the week it was. Where they know what is expected and when it is expected. Holidays can be great, but most of us thrive on a daily routine.


A number of single parents have been helped with a structure for their childcare arrangements, especially when there is split caring with the another parent/carer. A simple calendar with 'daddy days' in one colour and 'mummy days' in another, has helped children understand 'what, when and where.' Sometimes the answer can be so simple.


Children need to feel secure and safe. Not knowing what is happening and when and where can be extremely unsettling. It can be for adults too, but we have more control.


Having established that boundaries are good, it must be noted that they are not inflexible. This is the nightmare for parents with teenagers.


I previously stated that my boundaries were perhaps too strict. On reflection, they were tied up with the expectations of social behaviour of the time too, which didn't help.


If we put a new born, small animal in a small, fenced area or cage, it is likely to feel safe and secure. It will know its limits. If the animal grows, but the fence isn't moved or cage increased in size, there will be problems, as the animal outgrows its space. It would be cruel to do that.  It's for the owner to gradually move the boundaries. Hence the problem with teenagers, who need to stretch themselves and take some risks, but also need to have the love and security that a loving and supportive home life can bring.


While we all know about out-of-control children, who badly need some loving, boundary setting, we also know the other end of the scale. Adults who are too frightened to try anything new, go anywhere new, because they are limited by too tight boundaries set when they were children and teenagers.  Or still controlled by a parent. I find both extremes of behaviour disturbing.


There was once a king and queen who had a very precious son. They couldn't bear the thought of their son coming to harm, so decided to give everything the boy could want, within the confines of the palace. As the boy grew, so his curiosity grew and he became fascinated by stories of the jungle and wild animals. His parents of course, would not let him leave the palace, so they paid for a painter to paint the most wonderful jungle on the walls of the boy's room, with all the wild animals too.


One day, the painter left the room for his lunch, leaving his ladder against the wall. The ladder was resting very near a picture of a giraffe. The boy was fascinated by the giraffe and wanted to get nearer to see him close-up. So he climbed up the ladder. But the ladder wasn't secure and it wobbled. The boy fell off. He was killed.


My son wanted to travel. This was in the early 1990s before email, mobile phones and the internet. I was full of trepidation. He started with a solo trip to the Shetland Islands and then went further afield in his gap year and every summer afterwards, for some years. One of his later travels was to India and he arranged to go with an old schoolfriend. They were in their twenties. Time has clouded the memory now, but I think the friend lasted four days into a seven week trip. My son was not impressed and nor was I. Even before the four days was up, I had spoken to the agitated mother, who asked me how I could cope with Joe being away.


I told her that with a son travelling and a daughter living in Belfast, I had to take each day at a time, other wise I would be on 
intra-venous Valium.  I told her if an emergency arose, I would deal with it accordingly.


( For more about my son's travels: http://missingparsons.com/chris-price-live-fast-die-young/ )


Like the king and queen in the story, I would like to protect my children and grandchildren from all ills, but I know this is not possible. In my book, I also know that to stifle their characters and personalities would have amounted to child neglect. Neglect of their life, spirit, individuality and future.


But while I could let them go at seventeen years old, it would also have been neglectful if I had pushed them out of the door with a backpack at seven.


A friend has just rung, her husband has Alzheimer's. She was telling me that he's been much calmer over the last week. "It's because we're back in a routine and he knows where he is.", she said.


Boundaries and routine can be good for us all. As adults we can self regulate. Do you need to look at your own boundary setting and personal routines?


Check them out, they may need some attention.


©RitaLeaman2012