It was International Women's Day on Thursday. I read the following piece by Christina Patterson in The Independent.
www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/christina-patterson/christina-patterson-sisters-weve-let-our-teenage-daughters-down-7542312.html
Her thoughts were similar to my own, when I read about the court case about grooming and abuse. The details did not make for pleasant reading. Sadly though, the behaviour of both the girls and men is not unknown in the UK.
I belong to a women's service organisation called Soroptimists International. http://sigbi.org/
The club I belong to is part of the Yorkshire Region. There is a sub-group: The Anti-Slavery Group. (Slavery covers abuse against women in all forms, worldwide) The group is only five years old but has already achieved much in the region.
http://sigbi.org/yorkshire/2011/09/27/soroptimists-fighting-against-domestic-abuse/
Last year, at one of the Regional meetings, we were shown a film on the subject of grooming. It had been made for showing to teenage girls. The contents were disturbing and not dissimilar to the details of court case.
The core truths are always the same: the girls want to be loved and given attention. They are vulnerable and are taken advantage of by men giving them exactly that. Attention and gifts, which they interpret as love.
There are many theories as to why the girls are so vulnerable. My own thoughts are, that the absence of men, or responsible men, in many households, are one of the larger pieces in a complex jig-saw.
My parents split up when I was 13 years old and for legal reasons I didn't see my father for a year. I lived in a female household, which I have explained before, wasn't particularly easy. I went to an all girls school, with all women teachers and both grandfathers had died a long time before. While these circumstances, gave me an edge over the radical feminism in the 1970s, they didn't help with relationships.
By 16 years old, I had become an outrageous flirt. If I had a boyfriend, I would be flirting with someone else too. It's another example (as with drugs), when I think, "There, but for the grace of God go I" Flirtatious yes, but promiscuous, no.
I'm not going to pretend that I didn't in the main have a great time, but I eventually grew up emotionally and understood that it wasn't always a helpful way to behave. As I grew older, I thought about why I behaved like that.
I don't think it takes Einstein to see that I was craving male attention. I've always been drawn to tall men too. My father was 6ft 2ins. As life turned out, I married for a second time to a man I'd known when I was 16 years old. (Yes, he's 6ft 3ins.) We often talk about our short, but happy relationship in 1967. Our respective moves to different parts of the UK, meant we didn't stay together, but never 'fell out'.
He and I can recall one time when he asked me, "why do you hug me so tightly?' I didn't know, other than I liked it. I loved hugs. As a younger teenager, I can remember my mother telling me off for 'mauling' her or cuddling my grandmother. What was I needing? Not just wanting. Really, really needing.
When I lived on my own at the age of 42, I craved hugs with my grown-up children. I'm a tactile person, but it's important to respect someone's space. I almost get it right, but can make mistakes.
We need to be touched. We need to give and receive attention. We need to give and receive love.
If we don't give and receive in a healthy way, then we may seek resolution in unhealthy ways.
Take that last sentence a little further. While I believe certain behaviours should not be excused, you can usually find reasons.
The Soroptimist Anti-Slavery Group created a bookmark. It is very good.
It relates to any relationship in any situation.
Straight. Gay. Parental. Sibling. Friend. Workplace. Social.
If this information isn't helpful for you, the odds are, that you will know someone it may help. Please pass this blog on. Thank you.
©RitaLeaman2012
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