"You just don't think!" - Consequences

It was one of my mother's favourite sayings, when I had got into some sort of trouble. I would say, "I didn't think..." and she would come back at me before I'd even finished the sentence, "That's right, you just don't think..."


Now I'm older, I know why I didn't think. My brain was developing and it hadn't reached the point where I could understand and visualise the consequences of my actions. This is where I have a problem with people who insist that children who get into trouble obviously haven't been taught right from wrong. I certainly knew right from wrong, but didn't fully understand the consequences of any 'wrong' action. Punishment didn't really help.


I was tempted by the 'short term gain', but couldn't understand about 'long term pain'. Immature brains are not able to process that sort of thinking. Children's behaviour and emotionally immature adults tend towards being impulsive, where the 'short term gain' is paramount and little thought is given to 'long term pain.' 


For examples:
http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/09/tantrums-galore-emotional-immaturity.html
http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-not-fair-childs-lament.html


Which is why it is important if using a threat or punishment with a child, to make it something that will take effect in the next few hours. No longer. Also, make it actionable and carry it out. Definitely a subject for another blog.


It is my belief that the ability to understand that actions lead to consequences comes slowly with the maturity of the emotional brain. This appears to occur at different times for different people. There are also evidence arising from research, that a male brain may emotionally mature later than a female brain. Why, I've no idea, as it doesn't seem to be very useful. I'm sure there are many readers who could comment on this observation. 


'Short term gain' is all any person with an impulsive behaviour problem can see and that can occur at any age. I have a fascination with emotional maturity, because it lies behind many problems presented by adults. They experience an emotional hijack and appear unable to control it. This is why I believe that many 'mental' health problems should really be described as 'emotional' health problems.


Why has this subject come to mind this week? It's arisen from my friend's death and the previous two blogs. Of all the deaths I've experienced in my life, her death is proving the hardest to get my head round for a variety of reasons.


I knew my friend from the age of five.  She appeared to have a most secure background. I did not. In conversation with another schoolfriend, we recognised that she could go into some dark, introspective moods around the age of 16/17, as did one of her other friends.  It was certainly when her alcohol and relationship troubles started. We will never understand why we have survived and she has not.


But I'm haunted by a memory of one evening in the late 1960s. We were in my friend's bedroom with two male friends from the pub. Just chatting, drinking, no sex. A joint was handed around. The first one I'd seen. I declined. I can vividly remember thinking at the time, "I'm not happy what this might lead to...", though it was still early days of the drug scene. Those thoughts didn't stop me smoking cigarettes for a couple of years or becoming pregnant a little earlier than I had planned. Drugs were a different matter. There was no pressure from the friends.  A couple of years later my friend was having her stomach pumped after an overdose of heroin, that nearly killed her.


I had a label of being rebellious. I wasn't inclined to do what I was told and certainly not by people who were over authoritative. I still don't understand why I just didn't go ahead with another act of rebellion. A very common one too. I have racked my brain over the years and I can only think that maybe, a 'don't tell me what to do' attitude saved me.


Decades later, my second husband told me, "I know how to get the best out of you." "Really", I thought.
He said, "I let you do anything you want to do and then you don't want to do half of it." How true.


I can recall an episode when I was a very little girl playing with a toy shop and post office. I loved it. Perhaps that's where my future career with Waitrose began? There was a little cheque book. I scribbled something on it. My mother wanted to teach me how to write a cheque out properly.  I refused. She was furious. Is that when I started reacting against authority figures?


It was a sign of years of arguments.  No, I couldn't be a paper girl. So I got up early before she was awake and it was many weeks before she discovered that activity. No, I couldn't have a bank account. So I went and opened a Post Office account of my own. Neither of these appear particularly reckless activities, do they? But I was reckless at times.


I knew shoplifting was wrong, but somehow couldn't stop myself. I did it for years and got into trouble too, but managed to talk myself out of it (lie myself out of it), but it still didn't stop me. Until the day, around the same time as the cannabis episode, when I stood in a shop and was about to steal some sweets. There was a moment of clarity and I saw the future as a convicted thief unable to complete my college course and get a job. I never shoplifted again. In fact the poacher turned gamekeeper.


From what I have learnt, I now believe that my brain reached a different sort of maturity at that time.


I do believe that adults should be punished if they break the law. But I fully support the scheme where perpetrators of crimes can meet their victims and perhaps understand more fully, the consequenses of their actions.


I sometimes use water and colouring in a clear bowl to demonstrate actions and consequenses in workshops. I fill the large bowl with water and drop it one drop of a food colouring. It's quite hypnotic to watch, as the colour drops and then gently swirls around until eventually all the water is coloured, from just one drop. Then I may add another colour and see everything change again.


My picture (av) on Twitter is a drop of water and ripples. I wanted the same for this blog, but couldn't find the right image.


The ripple effect. It powerful stuff. One action. Sometimes one small action. The ripples go on and on and on...


©RitaLeaman2011