A mature woman stood in front of the TV camera. She held an important position in teaching. She was giving her opinion about the reasons behind a possible future teacher's strike in the UK. The particular grievance mentioned, was about pensions. The immortal words fell from her lips, "It's not fair." I groaned.
The teachers may well have a case. I don't know the exact details, so I can't comment on the points she raised. What I can comment on, are the words she used. "It's not fair." I couldn't see whether she was stamping her foot at the same time.
"It's not fair" is a cry that can be regularly heard coming from children's mouths, whether in a shout or a whine. I should imagine that we've all said it at some point in our lives. We discover in time, that indeed, as the grown-up response goes, "Life isn't fair." But we learn to deal with the unfairness, managing it in more mature ways than stamping feet, slamming doors, throwing things hitting people or misusing various substances.
We can choose to accept or challenge the unfairness in a more mature way. Using the passion that lies behind a sense of unfairness and injustice can be a wonderful motivator of self and people. I honestly believe that the majority of people with political ambitions do start with honourable intentions. " Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Lord Acton.
As long as the passion is not used by putting energy into the act of revenge. I would not have re-trained as a therapist, if I had not been motivated by what I saw as great injustices in the care of people with mental health problems or with dubious diagnostic labels.
"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein
We can think about why we find something unfair and perhaps understand where the root of our discontent really lies. "It's not fair" belongs to a child. Name the emotion and find the child attached to it and you could experience a personal insight. It may be helpful in the future.
An older woman felt that her husband having an affair wasn't fair. It probably wasn't, but the language she used to describe her situation was not one of an adult. The root of her feelings of unfairness lay with being the second daughter in the family and having to put up with her older sister's 'hand me downs', including having the smaller bedroom. Those feelings had lasted decades. Now she felt like one of her husband's cast-offs.
While I can bristle at the injustices in the world, I very rarely feel "It's not fair" these days. But on the last couple of occasions, when those words were on the tip of my tongue, a quick bit of self analysis, showed me that the feelings belonged to an under 10 year old, who was attempting to hijack me. I cringe at the memory a door slamming episode in a workplace, though it was 25 years ago. On closer self examination I was frustrated with a situation, but resorted to a childish action to get attention. There were more mature ways to manage the situation.
I was more controlled when faced with a man attempting to bully me in front of a colleague. His reputation was well known and as the interview progressed, the 8 year old was screaming inside my head to resort to shouting "It's not fair"... and believe me, it really wasn't fair at all. I was being 'stitched up'. With tremendous effort, I stayed in control. Okay, so I burst into tears afterwards, when left on my own, but he did not win. The next day he said, "we were very impressed how you held it together." I bet he was, the nasty individual. As a therapist working in his department, I was picking up the pieces of people who were unable to hold it together.
Though of course, as a bully, he had unmet needs too. NB: Note to self. Try to understand his obnoxious behaviour.
Most people are aware of body language and the fact that we can pick up unspoken messages from other people we are with. If we have rapport, we can often 'mirror' movements too. Following through with that observation, it makes sense that an adult may unconsiously find themselves 'identifying' with their work/client group.
If the work/client group is made up of young people, I have observed that the adult can 'mirror' their behaviour, perhaps to the detriment of themselves. Some of the many teachers that I have met through life, do not always demonstrate emotional maturity. The petty petulance of the "It's not fair" or "They've got more than me" variety can often be on show and tedious to tolerate.
As a result, their personal problem solving isn't always as good as their skills with their students. My husband found tantrums thrown by grown men in university meetings impossible to understand. I have heard that the behaviour observed in some staff rooms is bordering on infantile on occasion. IQ is no indicator of EQ.
I attended a seminar on how to deal with angry people. A policeman (out of uniform) was speaking. A man and a woman in their 40s were sitting together. They whispered, they passed messages to each other, they giggled and slouched in their chairs. They showed a complete lack of respect to the speaker. I later learnt that they ran a unit for teenagers with problems. It didn't surprise me.
Returning to pensions. The state of pensions in the UK appears to be complicated, in a state of change and causing millions of people justifiable concern. I certainly can understand that a woman in her 50s, who thought she was going to retire at 60 and now finding that she won't be eligible until possibly 68, is in for a bit of a shock. But then, they will be able to claim for years spent child rearing and I was not.
But haven't women got what they asked for? Equality. It's no good fighting for complete equality with men when you're in your 20s and 30s and then complain when it doesn't suit, in the 50s and 60s. Especially in the manner of a 8 year old.
©RitaLeaman2011
©RitaLeaman2011
No comments:
Post a Comment